The Sun Doesn't Die As Easily
by Tatsumaki-sama
Summary: When Goku dies, the Sanzo Ikoku feel as if their sun is dead forever.
1. If Only

**Disclaimer –** I don't Saiyuki or any of its characters. All rights belong to its proper owner.

**The Sun Doesn't Die As Easily**

**Chapter 1** – If Only

**Sanzo's POV**

I never wanted him dead. Never. Sure, I threatened to kill him, to tell him to shut up, to hit him with my harisen and all but I never meant it. And now, Son Goku is dead.

We were fighting youkai like usual. We thought it was over, until one of the youkai had a trick up their sleeves. Why didn't I pay attention?

Tentacles snuck up behind all of us, tripping us and wrapping us its tight grip. I was left the most vulnerable because I had the sutra and of course, every youkai wanted it.

My gun lay uselessly on the ground. The others struggled but couldn't get away. They were as trapped as me.

Everything became sluggish. The youkai was laughing its head off, threatening to kill me or demanding the sutra. As usual, I refused. The next second, it lost its patience and fired its tentacles towards me.

I thought it was all over. Or someone would come and save me. I didn't like the idea of someone saving me but the funny thing was that, the latter happened.

The very last thing I expected was that Goku was in front of me.

Somehow, he got free from the tentacles and shielded me from the blow. His arms were outspread, attempting to protect me from any hit that came our way. His wish came true.

All the tentacles shot right through him, leaving me harmless. He saved me but that was the worst part about it.

I lived. He died.

Normally, Hakkai would have been able to save Goku as he saved me countless of times I was on the verge of death. Laughing when we were screaming, the youkai threw Goku over the edge of the mountain.

My hand grabbed air when I tried to grab Goku when he flew past me. I missed.

Rage consumed me. How dare that worthless piece of a monster throw my loyal companion like a rag doll?!

I broke through the tentacles and grabbed my gun. I fired every single shot I had left in my gun. At the same time, Gojyo and Hakkai broke free and blasted and hacked the youkai to bits.

Though we had our revenge, it was too late. We ran down the mountain to find Goku. We found him, shattered and broken by the rocks that laid beneath him.

Not knowing what else to do, I held the saru close to me. Hakkai desperately tried to heal him, putting every ounce of his strength. Gojyo was shouting at him to stay conscious.

Goku was smiling. That was the last thing he ever did. Then he was gone.

It was raining. The rain mingled with our tears. I always hated the rain. Now, I had more reason to hate the rain. How could the sky be so cruel? It was raining when I lost my master and father. Now, it rained when I lost my closest friend.

We buried him near a sakura tree not too far from where he died. I clutched his diadem like there's no tomorrow. It was the only reminder I had of him. Goku looked so peaceful. Almost like he was sleeping.

The pain ripped at my heart when the villagers asked us where was the kind, little boy who liked to eat. Their pity and empathy was insufferable. It was only a few days ago when we arrived in the village, happy and lively. We left, miserable and dead.

Gojyo and I didn't smoke for weeks. Goku always asked us why we smoke and when we're going to quit. Heh, he still annoys us.

It's been a while since I used my harisen. Gojyo was quiet since no one argues with him now, with the exception of me. Hakkai seems to have lost his motherly manner towards us. He looks too much like an empty shell like the rest of us.

Everything reminds me of Goku. The meat buns we see in restaurants. The monkeys that sometimes hang on trees. Annoying kids that whine and bug their parents for food. But most of all, the sun reminded me of him.

Goku always called me his sun. I wanted to tell him it was the other way around. He was _my_ sun. The bright, warm beam of light that melted my cold heart. He taught me to smile and to love the little things in life.

Did that baka knew what we were going through? Did he know that I keep seeing him in my nightmares? When was the last time Hakkai smiled? Who is Gojyo going to fight with over food? When was the last time we laughed together?

I missed the goofy smile of his, as much as I hate to admit it. It chased away the storms. His laughter and constant whining irritates us but we enjoy it. It brought smiles to our face. We could use a smile right now.

If only I paid attention …

If only no youkai attacked us …

If only I was a few seconds faster …

If only that youkai didn't get me …

If only I had my gun …

If only I grabbed Goku before he fell …

If only more time was given to us …

If only there weren't any rocks at the bottom …

If only Hakkai could heal him …

If only no rain had fell …

If only I protected him …

If only …

If only …

If only …

If only Goku didn't die …


	2. My Otouto No More

**Disclaimer –** I don't Saiyuki or any of its characters. All rights belong to its proper owner.

**Thank you for the reviews!**

**Chapter 2** – My Otouto No More

**Gojyo's POV**

There was nothing but silence since you left. No one to fight with me. Before, I'd never thought that I would miss your annoying whines and cries of "I'm hungry!" Everything is too peaceful now.

It's kinda funny how only a few days ago you asked me why I'd always ask girls out. I ruffled your hair and told you you're too young and when you're older, I would tell you. The only problem is that I'll be the one growing older. You'll simply stay too young 'cuz you died too young.

Why didn't I break free first? Hakkai, you and me were tied down and struggling. But of all people, you beat me to it. Maybe your desire to save Sanzo was stronger than mine since you were always closer to him than me.

I remember the first time we met. I thought you were only a scrawny brat. But man, you blew me away. Your speed and power were incredible. For a minute, I didn't even think I could match that power.

When you transformed into Seiten Taisei, I was a little scared. You had a killing intent in your eyes. It was unnerving to see such eyes from a brat like you who was constantly stuffing their face with food and whining over injured animals like that cat we found not too long ago. Time passes really fast, doesn't it?

I suppose I was your onii-chan, since you didn't have anyone else to call family. Sanzo was the otou-san. Hakkai was the okaa-san. Hakuryu was the pet inu. And I fit into the role of the onii-chan.

My onii-san was someone I looked up to. He cheered me up and kept me company. I knew the loneliness and hatred my own okaa-san and the villagers regarded me with.

So I tried my best to act as an onii-chan would. I didn't want you to be disappointed in an onii-san, as I was disappointed in my onii-san.

I annoyed you like onii-sans do. Argue constantly like good nakama. Half the time I don't seem to care about you. I want others to believe that. They think, in my eyes, you're a pest and a kid. In fact, I think you're pretty mature for your age. I wouldn't be surprise when you grow up, you'll be a handsome guy like me. Course, I would give you a few tips …

Do you know I didn't smoke for weeks after your death? After a while, I wanted that acidic taste back in my mouth again. Not for my own pleasure. I wanted something to dull the pain.

Why I stopped smoking for that time, it was a mystery to me. I remembered you got all monkey-like and wondered like we smoked. I told you it was an adult thing. As always, you didn't believe me.

Sanzo personally buried you. We offered to help. He merely glared at Hakkai and me until we backed off. He really misses you. We all do.

When we continued the journey a few days later, it didn't seem right. The back was too wide and spacey. The ride was too quiet. No fights. No arguing. The monk didn't pull out his harisen at all. Too silent in my opinion.

At night, that's when we really feel the loneliness. At night, you are left alone to your thoughts and your mind wanders. I suppose that's what my mind is doing right now.

I wondered if you became a star in the heavens or perhaps watching us. Are you smiling like you were when you died in Sanzo's arms? I don't recall smiling like that for a long time.

It's your fault that I'm crying right now. Your fault that I can't stop thinking about the what-ifs and the could-haves. Your fault that – that I really, really miss a baka saru like you!


	3. No Smiles Just Tears

**Disclaimer –** I don't Saiyuki or any of its characters. All rights belong to its proper owner. 

**It's Hakkai's turn!  
**

**Chapter 3** – No Smiles, Just Tears

**Hakkai's POV**

It was painful. To have that feeling of loss. I felt it before. When Kanan was killed before my eyes, I could feel that my soul succumbed. Once again, my soul cracked and crumbled when you left us.

Everyone depends on me to make things right. I am the 'okaa-san', as Gojyo puts it, of the group. I watch over the children. I solve the unsolvable problems. I cook, clean and take care of those who are sick. How come this time I couldn't be the okaa-san?

You can say that I develop this motherly affection to Sanzo and Gojyo but mostly you. You were, after all, the 'otouto-chan'. I felt the responsibility to look after you.

But I let you and the others down. I couldn't save you. I let you died. Just like Kanan.

When that youkai threw you over the mountain, I screamed. I never thought I'd be screaming like that. I felt the bottom of my stomach fell with you.

_Thump Thump Thump _went my heart when we speeded down the hill. At that time, I hurried Hakuryu harder than I usually do. Ignoring the rain that splattering against my monocle and clothes, we raced against time to get to you.

My heart pounded harder when we found you by the riverbank. You were so still we thought you were already dead. When I called you, I breathed in relief when you slightly stirred.

But that moment of relief didn't last. You coughed up blood. Your body was convulsing. Your face was so pale that I didn't think it was possible to have that shade of white.

Your blood was on my fingers when I tried to heal you. I already knew it was hopeless. Your internal organs were hit. Your spine and nearly every other bone were broken. Even if you survived, you would be crippled for life. It was only a matter of minutes, maybe seconds, before your time was up.

Why did I attempted to heal you when I knew it was too late? I can't remember why I kept pressing my hands against your heart, pushing my ki into you.

Perhaps, it was to stop the numbness spreading in my body. The agony of losing you existed in my mind. Sanzo was holding you. Gojyo was physically shouting but mentally crying. I couldn't bear not doing anything.

I was shaking when you said your last words to us. How could someone say something so emotional so happily when they are dying?

We held your hands until you breath your last. It was like I lost more than a friend. My tears merged with the rain. Tears that I never knew I had.

Sanzo, Gojyo and I stayed with you even when the rain had stopped. We didn't realize how cold and soaked we were.

It was a long time until one of us moved. Bearing the weight of the 'okaa-san', I had to say something.

" Come on," I said. " Let's go."

" Where?" Gojyo asked, his voice cracking.

It was a good question.

" There." Sanzo picked up your body and carried you over to a sakura tree. Its leaves gleamed pink and gold from the sun that appeared from the fading clouds.

Placing your body down, Sanzo did something that I never thought was possible for him. He began to dig your grave with his bare hands.

The monk we know was constantly arrogant and confident. What took him to get down on his knees and dig up the dirt? You always had a soft spot in his heart. Only you could get Sanzo to do things like this.

" Stop that, Sanzo. Your hands will get all dirty," Gojyo told him, with no real attempt whatsoever. He placed a hand on Sanzo's shoulder. " Let's go back to the village."

Sanzo shrugged off his hand. " No."

I had to step in. Things could get worse. " Why don't we get dried up first?" I suggested. " It won't do any good if we get sick after – after …"

" You go on ahead," was the reply.

" Quit this nonsense, Sanzo! Goku wouldn't want you – "

He glared at me. " Goku wouldn't want what!?"

Looking into his violet eyes, I told him as steadily as I could without breaking down. " Goku wouldn't want you to dig his grave by yourself."

There was some sort of emotion in his eyes. " He wouldn't want you to get _your_ hands dirty."

" But – "

Using the ultimate Genjo Sanzo glaring technique, he chased Gojyo and me away. He was the type of person to do things his way. So we let him do it on his own, though we watched from a distance.

It was sunset when he finished and laid your body to rest. His clothes and hands were all dirty and we could tell he was tired. He was holding your diadem. I suppose he took it off of you before burying you.

While we were walking back to the village, I saw how bloody red the sun was. I can't believe that even the sun reflected our feelings.

I didn't smile. In fact, I don't think I could smile again. Just cry. That's all I can do in your memory. Just let the tears come down.


	4. Lies

**Disclaimer –** I don't Saiyuki or any of its characters. All rights belong to its proper owner.

** I will be taking a Christmas break. Don't worry. I will update probably after the break.  
**

**Chapter 4** – Lies

**Kougaiji 's POV**

I never thought I would hear such a thing. It was preposterous. Absolutely false. Definetely not real. Only a trick. An illusion in my eyes. How could I even fall for such a trickery?

The sad part was that it was true.

Son Goku was dead. Genzo Sanzo said so himself.

I simply laughed. How could that brat be dead? Nothing, not even I, could take him down. I remember when he nearly tore me to pieces when we fought in the desert.

It would be impossible to bring that monkey down.

But his eyes were serious. No sign of life were in them.

Haunted. That's the word I would chose to describe them. Haunted to the point they were completely empty and cold.

" Do you want us to get his dead body to show you?!" Dokugakuji's younger brother yelled, fighting to get out of the back seat. " Maybe then, you'll believe us!"

" Goyjo, calm down," the man with the monocle, gestured to the half-demon. " Listen," he called to us. " Goku passed away a few months ago. Please don't make us repeat ourselves. Or we'll get upset."

His eyes showed a dangerous and lethal glint to them. No one could mistaken it. I myself have seen that look many times in my life. It was a look that I hated the most.

It was a murderer's look.

Frankly, I was quite taken back. It was natural for the monk, Dokugakuji's brother and the saru to get all roused up and angry whenever I insult them.

But never this man. According to Yaone, he was a very patient and calm man.

All three of them were snappy and edgy, the opposite of what they usually are. I expected playful taunts to fly my way. Instead, I was faced with three, unrecognizable men.

" Move aside." Sanzo pulled out his gun. I heard a distinct click of the gun readying to shoot.

Once again, I was surprised. I didn't expect for him to pull out his gun already. I thought they would stay a little longer to fight.

" Why should I?" I felt like provoking him. I wouldn't mind hearing a curse from him. Anything other than that stupid expression on his face would be better.

" I said move aside." His hand was already on the trigger.

" Or what?" I sneered.

_Bang! _A bullet grazed my cheek. I felt blood running down to my chin.

" Kougaiji!" Dokugakuji yelled in alarm.

" Get out of my way." Sanzo's eyes were replaced with a fury that I never saw before, whether it be human or youkai. " Move or I'll make you move."

I watched them drive away. I made no attempt to stop them. I forgot about trying to steal the sultra. Heh, I'm starting to go soft.

Of course, that monk and his companions were lying. I wouldn't be suprised to turn around and have that saru appear and attack me. It would be normal. I half-expected a nyoibou to come smacking me in the face.

He never showed up.

It took a while for it to sink in. Painfully, bitterly and unwillingly. I was forced to accept it. Even now, I have my doubts.

I still waited for that someone to come and attack me. A loud, annoying brat who was my rival, enemy and friend all mixed into one. A someone that would never come.

In the end, I was fooling myself.

It was just a lie. A filthy lie.


	5. Ever Watchful

**Disclaimer - **I don't own Saiyuki or any of its characters.

**Sorry for the long wait. I've been busy through the Christmas break. Well, here's the chapter and enjoy. Please review.**

**Chapter 5 -** Ever Watchful

**Nataku's POV**

I watch.

I listen.

I dream.

I breathe.

But I'm dead.

Funny, isn't it? I can do all of the above but virtually, I'm dead. Soulless.

That's what that woman - what was her name again? - told me. She always visits me. At least she is someone who does. No one comes to visit me.

She said that someone has died. Is that true?

I want to meet him. We can keep each other company. We can talk and have fun. We can climb up the trees and swim in the lake. We can go exploring.

For some reason, it seems like I have met this someone that woman was talking about. This person called Goku.

The woman shows me visions of him on the lake. There would be ripples upon that glassy surface. Images appear and fade.

So close. I want to reach out and touch them.

He has eyes like me. I've never seen anyone with golden eyes like mine. Is it because we're both special? Or is it something else?

For some reason, Goku was trapped in this cage. Why though? What has he done to deserve such cruel treatment? I was forcefully reminded of my own treatment here.

But then, a man came. A houshi.

The houshi was nothing like a normal houshi. He carried a gun, smokes, drinks and swears. And at the first meeting of Goku, he threatened to kill him with all the noise he was making.

I almost laughed at the normality of it. I thought all houshi were stiff and emotionless. This one was definetely one of a kind.

What also caught me off guard was the next two. The youkai-man and the hanyou. Both were quite interesting. One smiled too much for his own good, while the other spends too much time with women for his own good.

The bond between the four of them was - there was no other word for it - strong. Stronger than anything I've seen. Together through the good times, the bad, the rain, the fear and the happiness.

It made me slightly envious, seeing them. They had nakama, friends to keep them out of trouble and the will to continue on for another day. No matter how horrid their pasts were, they could smile with relief and joy as long someone acknowledges them.

However, everything was gone in a blink of an eye. Everything that was built up, peace, friendship, laughter, were all destroyed in one day.

I watched Son Goku die in the arms of those he cared about.

He wasn't supposed to be attacked by the youkai. He wasn't supposed to be broken and crushed by the rocks. They weren't supposed to be crying in the rain. They weren't supposed to finish the journey on their own.

And he wasn't supposed to die.

I felt something wet on my cheeks. There were tears I've never knew I had.

That's when I realized, I don't Goku to be with me. Even if we have talk and have fun, even if we climb up trees and swim in the lake and go exploring, he will never be satisfied being here.

Because he will miss his friends.

He has a place he belongs to. And it is with those people. I cannot stop him from doing it.

I suddenly chuckle, the first sound in my mouth since five hundred years.

Even if I did try and bring Son Goku here, I am pretty sure that Genzo Sanzo won't let me.


End file.
